Today is Valentine’s Day – the day that my body was born. This post if for anyone who is feeling lonely, incomplete, not enough and wishing for a new or different relationship. Rest easy. You are already enough. With some investigation you will notice that you are happiness when you are loving (or being love).
Your True Self is Complete
The search for love and the perfect partner who will complete us is one of the most common causes of suffering in the human experience. The gym where I workout plays popular music on a constant loop. It used to irritate me. Until I realized why. Every single song has the same message: we need a partner to be complete. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Our essential being is love. And peace and happiness. Seeking love outside of our true self is an impossible quest.
Seeking love comes from the mistaken belief that I am not enough. I am already complete, whole, and perfect. And so are you. But who is this “you” that I am referring to? This is where we get confused and the search begins.
Conceptual vs Experiential Reality
Most of us are so hypnotized by our minds that we spend 99% of our lives in conceptual reality and miss the deliciousness of our existence. What is the difference between conceptual reality and experiential reality?
Our minds are a gift from God. Given to us so that we can be aware of the presence of God within. Our minds allow us to be aware of our own existence. My dog is not aware of her existence. Men and women alone are aware.
Our mind is continuously churning out thoughts. Some thoughts are positive, practical, and creative. These thoughts are not a problem.
Some thoughts are misery thoughts: I am not enough; I am incomplete; I am a failure. These thoughts are not a problem – as long as we see them as the fictions they are and don’t believe them.
The concepts that we create and are taught to us are an attempt by our limited minds to divide the perceived world into separate things so that we can describe them.
All concepts are thoughts and ideas created by our mind. All concepts are fictitious. We narrate our lives with concepts continuously. Rather than simply enjoying the present moment, I am conceptualizing the past and worrying about the future. Life lived in the mind can be a chaotic and confusing experience.
It’s helpful to investigate some common concepts (all fictions) versus our direct experience of life.
Concept : Direct Experience
water : wet
my body : sensations (tingling, aching, shivering, etc.)
time : the timeless NOW
fear : racing heart
love : unconditional acceptance of what is appearing before me in this moment
I : the subjective experience of being and knowing
I am only “I”
The only concept above that points to something real is the concept of I. “I” doesn’t point to an object, it points to my experience of being myself.
On this Valentine’s Day, you might think “I am lonely”. But you are not lonely. You may be experiencing a sensation that you describe as “lonely” but yesterday, you had a different experience.
We are trained from birth to create a persona – a personality – that defines who we think we are. Man/woman, skin color, age, personal preferences, size, shape, talents, etc. And we give this collection of ideas a name. Mine is Caprice. But I am not Caprice. I am the being that is aware of Caprice.
I am aware of my body, so I cannot be my body. I am aware of my thoughts, so I cannot be my thoughts.
I am aware of my perceptions of the world and my beliefs about the world, so I am none of those.
But who am “I”? What am I referring to when I say “I”?
Here is where the mind is no help whatsoever. You cannot find your real self with the mind. But you can point to your real self with a few questions:
- Am I unaware? No, I am not unaware.
- Do I exist? Yes, I exist.
- Would I rather exist or be dead? I would rather exist.
I am having a conversation with I. I am only I. “I” is the only thing that is real.
This “I” is intelligent energy or beingness or consciousness that is animating my body and created my mind slowly from birth. When “I” was first born, I had no language or words. My experience of life was only direct. There was no conceptual experience.
This “I” that experiences life directly is complete. I am complete, whole, and perfect. I am aware being or being aware.
The conceptual, apparently separate self will always be limited, insecure, and incomplete because it is just an idea. And that idea of me changes all the time. My concept of a separate self has changed continuously from the time I was a child, teenager, young adult, and on this birthday.
I only realize the peace and happiness that I am when I let go of seeking and rest in the “I” that I am.
Our society has the belief that we are a separate body and that our consciousness comes from the brain. This belief in a separate self leads us to seek oneness or completion in the outside world, which we never find. No experience or relationship will complete this body-mind I believe myself to be, because it is just a concept that I experience.
Embrace Your Individuality – Let Go of Your Separate Self
Caprice is a costume that I put on and that veils my true Being. It is a useful and necessary costume. It becomes a problem when I forget that it is only a costume.
The fictional Caprice will always lack something and feel empty. This is not to negate Caprice. Caprice is an instrument of God here to love life and be love. But Caprice, forgetting what she is, seeks fulfillment in expereinces and relationships.
The essential “I” does not go out into the world searching for love. It witnesses my fictional character embark on this quest. Caprice, forgetting that I am complete, looks to the other to complete me. I feel like I need completing, because this fictional character is not real, so cannot be complete
I am not suggesting that you live in a cave and just beam love out to the world. I am inviting you to BE LOVE in all of your relating with life and love will be your experience of life. Love all of life because you are life.
The way that love expresses in an intimate relationship is different than how it expresses with a friend or child. And the essence of love is the same – acceptance of all beings as whole, complete, and perfect. The acknowledgement that all beings have an inner knowing that guides them.
In my coaching certification program, Julio Olalla said that love is a dance. If I love you, I love who I am when I am with you. Perhaps this is because, in our intimacy, we allow ourselves to drop the costume and take off the mask. We let our true being shine through in all its perfection and beauty.
Relating from a Place of Completeness
To relate to another man or woman from your persona or fictional name character is coming from a place of incompleteness and insecurity. You are looking for the other to fill a need, get rid of lack, make you feel less empty. It is unfair to put the burden of completing you onto a partner. It is a failed situation from the beginning. It is an impossible task.
Relate to life, men, and women from your essential completeness, the “I” that you are. Then you have loving relationships that support your freedom and aliveness. Your relationships are easy and harmonious because you are not asking the impossible from your partner. You have no sense of lack. You merely enjoy being in their authentic presence.
You also don’t blame your partner for any of your thoughts, ideas, emotions, or feelings that your mind generates within you. You own 100% responsibility for your experience of life.
As a unique, divine expression of God, you are whole, complete and perfect. Love, which is the presence of God, shines forth in the absence of your fictional persona. Pause and taste the deliciousness of existence.
Be love. Don’t seek love.